I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
