I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I need to align my fucking chakras
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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