I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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