Well douche your snatch and let's go!
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
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