If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
