Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Randomize
