a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
im holly from the hills drunk
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Randomize
