The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
