Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
