omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
