I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize