i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
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