Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
We have to go find her fucking car. She came home from a 80 dollar cab ride, no shoes, and all she remembers is its at a burger king on a street with an H in it
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Randomize