don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
