Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
Randomize
