Why does Corona taste like a burp?
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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