One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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