On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
