I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
