At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
