I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
Is this like a preordered booty call?
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
