I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
Just so you know, the bottle of red gatorade is NOT GATORADE. It is definitely someone's puke. I hope nobody else makes the same mistake I did.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Randomize
