just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
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