dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
