You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize