dude i'm inner monologue high
the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
