I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Randomize
