Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
