filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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