He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
