I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I need a burrito and a hug.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
