im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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