you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Pissing into the Grand Canyon is the single most liberating thing I've ever done in my entire life
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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