she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that
pussy has no personality
Amen to that
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
