Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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