i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Randomize
