I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
