i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
He finished and he wasn't even totally hard. He actually came without a boner.
HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Randomize
