My underwear smells like fireworks.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
