he got wood on it!
i know. i had to sit in his lap on the plane. he also wore teva sandals.
...i was talking about hockey
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Randomize
