you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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