You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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