Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
