vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
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