i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Randomize
