Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
