that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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