the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
he puts the penis in happiness.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
They kept barging in on us saying random shit. At one point they came in yelling room service! and threw soda at us bruising my foot. Weirdest injury I have gotten during sex.
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Apparently I was carrying around a bottle of listerine calling it 5 loco
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
