Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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