Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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