Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Pre-St Patricks Day Log: Threw up across a 14ft radius, this is why the irish dont drink tequila
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
