mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I'm a drunk white girl and my ancestors were drunk white girls, if we apologized our species would be extinct.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Randomize
