cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I haven't been this sober since birth.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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