I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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