Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Randomize
