she woke up with a sticky ear
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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