so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize