"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
cat food counts as protein by the way
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Randomize
