Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
