i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Sorry, was sleeping. I heard a rumor that I had a hangover, so I just went with it...
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Randomize
