Can i not drive my cunt home
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize