I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
