can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
is wine microwaveable?
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
