I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
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